Definitely the odd occasion to be writing in the school library; I can’t deny the thoughts spiralling after this, but I am unusually calm. Since the turbulence of last year, I’ve resorted to a more uncaring, indifferent mindset, no longer always needing to depend on others for emotional comfort, no longer as disappointed when people around me don’t behave in the way I think they should, don’t treat me the way I think I deserve to be treated, because often it’s the small things, and I catch myself neglecting these so-called details as well, so where in my place am I to criticise this.
When met with disappointment, perhaps it is just much wiser to decrease the emotional energy invested; you don’t always need to fill people up these top brackets, friendship doesn’t always need to be ranked, ranks are almost always fleeting when you observe it in the long run. I don’t want to discard these feelings of disappointment and remanants of hurt; the more I push it away, the easier it remains.
There are so many things I am ashamed to feel- the utter feeling of stagnance and futility, the feeling that there is this magnificent view outside of my reach that has rejected me because I’m simply unqualified to be there. The worth decreases, irrelative to the people around me. Or even the pressure that these insecurities are deemed too basic and predictable. So at the end, the same conclusion is reached that I just need to work and improve, until my abilities are unquestionable.
I don’t feel as happy as I used to; there’s always something heavy sitting at the back of my head screaming that this is not all right. I don’t doubt the values I have, but I doubt the identity and persona I’ve given myself, the path I’ve aligned carefully and whether it’s direction does bring me to where I envision it to, or whether this envisioning is where I intend to be in the first place.
Comments