celebrations, the glaring spark of a candle --- iced milk chocolate, serenity of Society Café
The usual coffee and music expenditure. But a somewhat more contemplative mood overall. Maybe it's the waves of nostalgia of experiencing the tv shows I once loved, this familiar yet intangible feeling I struggle to describe. Artificial characters I based my worldview on, personas innocence strove to become, and strove to find. It's the current observation of how my ideals align with these fantasies consumed at a young age, but it's also the gradual process of reaping off the layers in myself, attempting to understand how I grew to value the things I value. Or maybe it's philosophy - the relentless reflection makes me feel like a machine that runs the same algorithm when situations occur, the same line of thought, the same thought processes that refine at a predictable rate, the same cycle of things that lead to innovation, the same thoughts, the same outcome. Or maybe it's also because I struggle to grapple with what makes someone so utterly human that I use this limited knowledge I have to express and emphasize my differences in opinions, as if through that, humanity is reinforced, humanity is restored.
As I look over the streets, flashes hundreds of faces living lives I would never live. I've been taught to feel lucky, feel loved, be grateful for the opportunities I was presented with, the opportunities that were unequal to begin with, the opportunities they lacked. There's some shameful element of superiority that comes with these thoughts I never doubted, gratefulness was always a virtue. But is it an act of subtly deeming them below, as if that was the ordinary and we're supposed to achive greater, wider things, live more fulfilling, richer lives. Small, little days were never an option, yet these people seem to thrive in peace and harmony. Or maybe this happiness is merely substantiated by oblivion, which comes hand in hand with this lack of opportunity. The chinese saying: no comparison, causes no harm. Or all is relative after all, if we look higher, this view parallels on us. Is there a need to gift them equal starting points, or maybe this act of giving breeds inequality to begin with. Or happiness founded in oblivion is inevitably the wiser option. Maybe there's a society far from the reach of my hand, that these views would instantly crumble when met with. It's these unanswerable doubts, unexplainable preferences that gradually puzzle up this world view, not so conjuncted, yet not so malleable.
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